Head wiggling for dummies

I was doing a bit of research online on the “Indian head wiggle” and failed to find satisfactory literature on the matter. What reason could I, an Indian possibly have, to read about the mechanism you ask? After all, the trait, no matter how incongruous, is instinctual, like that which propels salmon to swim upriver, into the jaws of waiting Grizzlies to spawn, when all common sense (and good instinct) should prevail on the species to swim downriver like other normal intelligent fish. Well I will tell you. 

I was reading Shantaram, the second book tailor made for Indophiles (Vikram Seth’s, A Suitable Boy being the other one), and I came across a passage on the head bobble. I wanted to write a review but found someone else who did it perfectly - thank you Phani for encapsulating my all thoughts, only better.

Anyways back to the head wiggling, He explains it as such - “The India head-wiggle, the most characteristic of Indian expressive gestures – was the equivalent of a forward nod of the head, meaning Yes. I’d also discerned the subtler senses of I agree with you, and Yes, I would like that. What I learned on the train, was that there was a Universal message attached to the gesture, when it was used as a greeting, which made it uniquely useful… Gradually, I realized that the wiggle of the head was a signal to others that carried an amiable and disarming message: I am a peaceful man. I don’t mean any harm.” While Mr. Roberts is correct about the first half, extrapolating it to mean “I am a peaceful man or I don’t mean any harm” is like saying Snyder is someone who “cares about football”, while in actuality we all know that he is a prick with too much money who just happens to own a NFL team. 

So given the Indian head nod’s legacy as a baffling, oft ridiculed and clearly misunderstood occurrence, I’ve decided to put together the definitive guide to the “Indian head shake”. You heard it here first.  

First off, one needs to understand the Indian psyche to understand the head nod. Indian culture espouses “softness” when communicating, by this I mean the avoidance at any cost to directly deny, ask, refuse, refute, etc anything when dealing with strangers/guests. This is the main cause for the existence of this gesture, to “soften” the hard junctures in language where one might be compelled to *gasp* utter phrases like “yes”, “no”,”I want” etc. 

Let me give you an example. When visiting someone’s home, it is not customary to ask the host for water  "directly", the way one would ask for water in the U.S. For example, the phrase “Could I have some water?” which directly translates in Hindi to “mujhe thoda pani milega?” would generally never be uttered. It would have to be accompanied by a smile and the head bobble… and usually even the whole sentence would not be uttered… it would most likely be a “smile” + “head nod” followed by “thoda pani…” i.e. “smile” + “head nod” + “some water…” which exonerates the speaker from uttering the demanding phrase - “Could I have…”. You follow? 

If you understand this… you’ll start to understand why someone wiggles their head when you ask them a question. For example if you ask someone if they liked the chocolates you brought for them… you will get the head wiggle in response. Which might drive my hopelessly direct white brethren batty but in actuality it is the Indian way of saying “Yes, thank you very much… even though I just need to say YES, I feel that it would be too “direct/un-civil” so I am compelled to make this ridiculous motion”. Now that you’re armed with the knowledge, I am confident that the next time you’re in India and someone tells you “straight” and wiggles his head when you ask them for directions, you will not only know why the head is wiggling but also why the “command” word “go” was not added before “straight”. Think of it as a universal laxative. Just like a stool softener, it allows the subject to negotiate uncomfortable/difficult communication barriers easily.

Now my magnanimity is not one sided, I also make sure that every one of my compatriots visiting the U.S. is adequately counseled to decipher every day American “culture” that they might find confusing. For example, a couple of months ago, my previously referenced IIT spawning uncle decided to visit the U.S. The reason being his Phelps emulating, Ivy-league attending, full-scholarship receiving, PhD devouring son of course.

I therefore forearmed him with knowledge of the local customs. I explained to him that in the U.S., Indians are not actually Indian (from India) because Indians are understood to be native Indians or more correctly, Native Americans. At this he seemed shocked… mortified even, and after staring at me for a seconds, indignantly stated that he was NOT a Red Indian; at which point it was my point to be mortified and I made him promise never to utter the phrase “I am not a Red Indian" in the U.S to which he agreed grudgingly. He couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about… after all in his head Columbus discovered the U.S. when he went looking for India and the locals were named after Indians... so he asked, why therefore shouldn't Native Americans be called Red Indians and as an extrapolation, the rest as White Indians? (in his head America only consisted of white people). Why shouldn't Indians be left to their original identity and the other races be named after them!? I sighed; I didn't want to get into a discussion with him about what he thought Indian Indians, American Indians and African Americans ought to be called. But in the future if I do come across someone from the Department of Labor, I would love to have them interact one-on-one with him on this topic.

Anyways, I had to further explain to him that Indians from India are actually Asian. At the same time he shouldn’t get worried if he gets funny looks when he described himself as Asian because clearly he didn’t look “Oriental/Chinese” and therefore for him to truly explain that he was “Indian”, and not Chinese or Native American he must clarify any misunderstandings he might create by declaring himself as “East Indian”... and if that still elicited a blank response then to deliver the most proper definition: “Indian, dot not feathers”. He wiggled his head as he nodded in understanding. Naturally.

Adults will always be children

Age is only a number. Nowhere is this truer than in the minds of Indian parents. Regardless of size, stature, maturity, etc, an offspring’s age remains frozen somewhere between 2 & 6 years. Let’s take my brother-in-law for instance, a 26 year old, fully self-sufficient, sport crazy, poker loving, man’s man who is a Executive at Microsoft becomes nothing more than a cuddly “ladla” (munchkin) when he walks into his parent’s house. In the eyes of the parents, the said manly man’ suit falls off his shoulder’s, his size shrinks to the size of a football, and he’s back in diapers as soon as he crosses the threshhold.  

This is the scene that unfolded the first time I went with him to his parent’s house for an informal lunch after the honeymoon. It was at best hilarious for me and at worst insulting and embarrassing for him. As soon as we walked into the house his dad looked up from the paper and almost yelled “Rey Bablu!!! … you’ve finally come back!!” “Rey” being the preferred term of endearment for a “young-un”; the term basically carries no respect with it whatsoever and is used to refer to someone subordinate. Not in a mean way of course… it’s a term of endearment when used for younger family members but it basically destroys any sort of deference/respect the referenced person might command. I watched him slump his shoulders and give up as he crossed that threshold… I could almost hear his brain begging the floor to open up and swallow him up with every step.

What proceeded was like the marathon of all cuddlympics. First off… he kissed him… not directly on the cheek but figuratively, you know via the motion where one grabs a cheek of a baby then uses the hand to traverse the distance between the baby’s cheek and their lips? That’s what his dad did to him. Quite a few times too... all the while making the “muah” “muah” “muah” noises one makes when kissing his fingertips with his lips. I could actually see the embarrassment steaming out of him while he looked at me hoping either that he’d die or that I’d disappear. I didn’t budge. 

His dad did this to him while calling him his little darling and telling him how much he missed him and fawned over him with enough zeal to make a 5 year old blush. That’s when his mom came and took it up a notch which at that time I didn’t think was possible. His mom built on the “kissing”… she actually came running up to him and squeezed his cheeks… the one way pinches the chubby cheeks of a baby and slaps them playfully. She also proceeded to call him the most amazing litany of baby-ing terms which roughly translated would probably be synonymous with cuddly/wuddly, huggy/wuggy & snugglebunny. 

Sadly Youtube lost out an instant hit due to my pre-historic phone’s lack of a camera.

Respect thy elders: conversations with the older Indian gentlemen – Part 1

A key covenant of Indian culture. One which has been hammered time and again into my head as one of India's defining characteristics. One that sets us apart from those “stupid Americans” who of course lack any sort of “culture”. In the immortal words of Russel Peters (quoting his father): “What is American culture??? Pizzas and hodogs ?!!!”

Anyone who’s had (casual) conversations with Indians knows this, if you are in a conversation with an older Indian gentleman, it’s not really a conversation, it’s a one sided lecture. They don’t converse with you to really listen to your point of view. They let you talk so they can have the pretext of calling it a conversation. I think it’s their way of keeping it PC, I’m not sure. When you get a chance to talk, you get the feeling that it’s only because they need to take a break from their high-intensity verbal assault.

The term rhetorical, has no meaning in these conversations. If you are asked a rhetorical question, they actually have the answer but they ask you so they can ignore you and answer it. Must be rhetorical to everyone but them. I think its one of the perks of being elderly in India. There’s a good chance this whole “respect your elders” movement was started so they could have some fun in their middle age; god knows they’re not having any in the bedroom (the 1.2bn+ population notwithstanding).

A conversation with my uncle (a real uncle mind you, not one of those “uncle” uncles):

Uncle (telling me about his son): “You know, Oveachieving_Douchebag (my cousin in IIT) is learning to swim. The pool is HUGE!!! It’s so big you’ll get tired trying to do even just one lap!!! It’s THAT big.” He indicates the size of the pool by motioning with his arms which indicates the size to be roughly equal to that of a football field.

Me: “Ok. Yeah you’re probably talking of an Olympic size pool, it’s… (interruption)

Uncle: “No it’s a really BIG pool… you need to be a good swimmer to finish even one lap.”

Me: “probably a 50M pool, you remember I used to... (interruption)

Uncle: "Your cousin, tried to do two laps in the first time only. By the time he was halfway into his second lap he got so tired the coach had to help him get back"

Me: “swim competitively for… (interruption)”

Uncle: “You should see it, I think it’s the pool size they have in swimming competitions… like in the Olypmics”

Me (with jaw on floor): “uhhh…yeah...” (interruption)

Uncle: “Yes one needs to practice a LOT to be able to swim two laps in such big pools”. He finally finished by placing both his elbows on the tale and corresponding fingertips touching each other.

Beta, I have been all over the world and I am telling you... India is simply the best

As I have started spending a considerable amount of time in India, I've decided to pen down some of the more "interesting" observations from my motherland. My friends say I get more frustrated than most when dealing with my fellow countrymen, that this idiosyncrasy is part of the charm. These same "friends" might consider a random stranger asking them their "salary" or "father's name/business" to be charming, but it usually leaves my brain in a state of epileptic fits.

This blog is dedicated to all those of us who have cringed after hearing such luminous phrases as

• "You just don't understand Indian movies to realize how great they are; see how the the Japanese love Rajnikanth... even THEY appreciate Indian movies!!" 
• "So finally the world has realized how great India is... everyone in the West is now practicing yoga... they have finally realized what we discovered thousands of years ago. Stupid Americans" 
• "You have black friends ?!?! What are they like... ? Its better you stick to Indians.."   
• Or watched any of the numerous skin whitening commercials on TV. My personal favorite being the "Fair and Handsome" commercial with "American peptides and herbs" -

Happy Readings.