Respect thy elders: conversations with the older Indian gentlemen – Part 1

A key covenant of Indian culture. One which has been hammered time and again into my head as one of India's defining characteristics. One that sets us apart from those “stupid Americans” who of course lack any sort of “culture”. In the immortal words of Russel Peters (quoting his father): “What is American culture??? Pizzas and hodogs ?!!!”

Anyone who’s had (casual) conversations with Indians knows this, if you are in a conversation with an older Indian gentleman, it’s not really a conversation, it’s a one sided lecture. They don’t converse with you to really listen to your point of view. They let you talk so they can have the pretext of calling it a conversation. I think it’s their way of keeping it PC, I’m not sure. When you get a chance to talk, you get the feeling that it’s only because they need to take a break from their high-intensity verbal assault.

The term rhetorical, has no meaning in these conversations. If you are asked a rhetorical question, they actually have the answer but they ask you so they can ignore you and answer it. Must be rhetorical to everyone but them. I think its one of the perks of being elderly in India. There’s a good chance this whole “respect your elders” movement was started so they could have some fun in their middle age; god knows they’re not having any in the bedroom (the 1.2bn+ population notwithstanding).

A conversation with my uncle (a real uncle mind you, not one of those “uncle” uncles):

Uncle (telling me about his son): “You know, Oveachieving_Douchebag (my cousin in IIT) is learning to swim. The pool is HUGE!!! It’s so big you’ll get tired trying to do even just one lap!!! It’s THAT big.” He indicates the size of the pool by motioning with his arms which indicates the size to be roughly equal to that of a football field.

Me: “Ok. Yeah you’re probably talking of an Olympic size pool, it’s… (interruption)

Uncle: “No it’s a really BIG pool… you need to be a good swimmer to finish even one lap.”

Me: “probably a 50M pool, you remember I used to... (interruption)

Uncle: "Your cousin, tried to do two laps in the first time only. By the time he was halfway into his second lap he got so tired the coach had to help him get back"

Me: “swim competitively for… (interruption)”

Uncle: “You should see it, I think it’s the pool size they have in swimming competitions… like in the Olypmics”

Me (with jaw on floor): “uhhh…yeah...” (interruption)

Uncle: “Yes one needs to practice a LOT to be able to swim two laps in such big pools”. He finally finished by placing both his elbows on the tale and corresponding fingertips touching each other.